RP Listener Forum

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 10:39am

Water is kind of interesting. Did you know that the Inuits have over forty thousand million words for water, and not one for "carbo-loading"?

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 10:28am

The frat boy emerged and saw his own shadow, causing him to belch and dig the porno mag out of his shorts. This means four more weeks until finals.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 10:26am

In the event of a water landing, please bear in mind that this aircraft is not designed for a water landing. You may have also noticed that not many ships are berthed at the airport.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 10:04am

I guess if I have to choose, then I choose vanilla. Because that's the most ... American flavor, I guess. Now can I please get on the plane?

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:59am

In the event of my untimely death, I leave my entire estate to my loving wife Victoria, who has taught me the true meaning of love. Darling, when I think of heaven, I imagine it as lying safe in your arms. You have given me a lifetime of joy and three beautiful children.

If my death is timely, then everything goes to Frank the gardener. God, that man could make me feel ALIVE.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:53am

So I have in one hand a sack of kittens with mittens, and in the other hand a jar of vitriolic acid that no mitten can withstand. Would someone please take these kittens to the shelter? I am trying to do science here.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:50am

In the dead of night, when criminality thrives like a noxious weed and evil seeps from the accursed earth to poison and taint every decent thing, that's when it's time to SAVE ON CAR INSURANCE! That's right, it's time again for Bargain Betty's Midnight MADNESS! Come on down to the nearest Bargain Betty's office and save big on premiums for all your vehicles. And pick up a free souvenir pen/coffee mug (while supplies last). Remember, you'll never do better than Betty!

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:44am

The best thing about having a girlfriend is being able to go "haha LOSER" to all those jerks who don't have girlfriends. Man, I hated being on the other end of that!

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:43am

I learned to play the harp from an old woman who lived down by the re-opened shutter mine. She taught me how to pluck the strings like I was making love to a beautiful woman made of brass and catgut. Which, I guess, is where I got my little fetish, and why I am no longer welcome in most music stores.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:41am

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:41am

You know what hurts worse than betrayal? Getting salt in a paper cut while you're being betrayed.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:39am

I once had a pair of hellfire-red stiletto heels that looked like sin and cost half as much as heaven. But that was before I started investing in hats.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:37am

It is possible to achieve a form of cold fusion using only common household ingredients such as vegetable oil, a butane lighter, pure heroin, and liquefied plutonium. But our "friends" in Big Nitrogen don't want you to know that.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:34am

As it happens, those are my shoes and I do want them in the soup. If you must know they are woven entirely from herbes de provence by pure-minded Frenchmen, and are therefore rare, expensive, fashionable, and savory.

Posted: Jun 18, 2013 - 9:32am

By Ganondorph's beard and the sacred fires of Atlantis, I swear that you shall never taste daylight again!

Posted: Jun 10, 2013 - 11:31pm

OK, I've got the bleeding under control and your blood pressure is stabilizing. As soon as Life Flight gets here we can get you evacuated, but that's going to be a few minutes. While we're waiting can I interest you in some Girl Scout cookies? My daughter needs to move some boxes to meet her quota and I'm sorta helping out.

Oh no, no obligation. I'm just sayin' it would take some worry off my mind so I won't get distracted and let this tourniquet slip or anything.

Posted: Jun 10, 2013 - 4:45pm

...because nothing says sexy like bagpipes.

Posted: Jun 10, 2013 - 9:53am

in eighth grade I was stuffed in a locker

In twelfth grade the nose tackle on the football team was in the hospital

It all works out

Posted: Jun 10, 2013 - 9:45am

Every bully feels persecuted.

Every tyrant feels righteous.

Every hand grasping for power feels worthy of it.

Every scrawny eighth grader stuffed in a locker is consumed by rage that he
didn't
fight
back.

Posted: May 30, 2013 - 8:11am

oldviolin wrote:

Every notion, thought, word, and action matters. Every choice counts. Every kindness is cataloged and registered in the heart of a stranger.
Every turn of phrase, every sad or sodden day. Over on the hillside; just beyond the poet's prose; every blade of inkling grass, every thorny rose...

Sleeping not, you beauty; you infinite mandala; you intrinsic heart
you there, listening quietly to a cacophonous clash of seeming futures in suspended etheric soup

potatoes and carrots the lot of it...and glass onions...

I'll take glass onions for forty.