RP Listener Forum - Radio Paradise

Posted: May 5, 2013 - 5:50am

Q: When the Swami in total retreat from the world gets Alzheimer's, how do you know?

Posted: Apr 29, 2013 - 2:22pm

DaveInVA wrote:

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing....

Dude, this is insulting to women, it implies that they all wait until the need is imminent before buying more feminine protection products.

It's like those jokes about guys going into the drugstore to buy condoms, based on the presumption that they're about to get lucky.

Posted: Apr 29, 2013 - 6:11am

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$291,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $291,237.65?!? Huh? What the heck did you sell?!" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod, reel, and tackle, to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-diesel Chris Craft trawler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Excursion." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a cabin boat and a full-sized TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing....

Posted: Apr 18, 2013 - 11:52am

hippiechick wrote:

re: Twins

Posted: Apr 18, 2013 - 11:48am

Twins!
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, ‘what the heck’, so I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she’d been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!”

……. Then she said, “There’s more!”

I asked, “What do you mean there’s more.”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said…. “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

Posted: Apr 6, 2013 - 9:00am

The Beatles sound great up here.
You guys can keep Ringo and Paul.
I'm the drummer now! .- JC

I should probably see a therapist,
but I already know what they’re going to say.-JC .... again

Posted: Apr 6, 2013 - 8:57am

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
three dimes to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes that the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the dimes, but keeps choking.
The father begins to panic and starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a business suit is
sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat
and makes her way unhurried across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly..

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of
the dimes, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS!!'

Posted: Apr 5, 2013 - 8:31am

A man bought himself a brand new expensive Caddy and he wanted to protect it, so he called over a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to bless it.

The priest gets out his holy water and sprinkles it liberally on the Caddy, swinging the incense and mumbling a prayer in latin.

The minister gets out his prayer book, and keeps it short and sweet, amen.

Then, his turn has come, the rabbi gets out a hacksaw, and saws off the tip of the tailpipe. L'Chaim!

Posted: Mar 30, 2013 - 4:32pm

Posted: Mar 28, 2013 - 9:26am

suggettsmiss wrote:

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a having a small penis need not be an obstacle to good sex. She may be right but I still wish she didn't have one.

Posted: Mar 28, 2013 - 8:13am

DaveInVA wrote:

A Norwegian and a German entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the German stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, the German said to the Norwegian, "Man I'm the best thief, I stole three chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that!" The Norwegian replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing." So they went to the counter and the Norwegian said tothe shopkeeper, "Do you want to see some magic?" The shopkeeper replied, "Sure!" The Norwegian said, "Give me a chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The Norwegian asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third,finished that one too and stood there with a grin on his face.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?" The Norwegian replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

bwahahaha

Posted: Mar 28, 2013 - 8:04am

A Norwegian and a German entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the German stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, the German said to the Norwegian, "Man I'm the best thief, I stole three chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that!" The Norwegian replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing." So they went to the counter and the Norwegian said tothe shopkeeper, "Do you want to see some magic?" The shopkeeper replied, "Sure!" The Norwegian said, "Give me a chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The Norwegian asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third,finished that one too and stood there with a grin on his face.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?" The Norwegian replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

Posted: Mar 26, 2013 - 7:23am

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am
                   putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
                   to look in it."                    In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
                   looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
                   curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
                   and peeked inside.                      In the box were 3 empty beer cans
                     and $81,874.25 in cash.                      She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
                     that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
                     curious as to why there even was such a box with such
                     contents.                                 That evening, they were out for a special
                     anniversary dinner.                      After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
                     curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
                     Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the
                     box under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3
beer cans in the box?"                      Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was
unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind
myself not to do it again."                      Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula
and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.
However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3
times is not that bad considering your problem."
                     Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They
hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So
why do you have all that money in the box?"                      Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with
                     empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
                     redeemed them for cash."

Posted: Mar 23, 2013 - 6:49am

suggettsmiss wrote:

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a having a small penis need not be an obstacle to good sex. She may be right but I still wish she didn't have one.

Posted: Mar 23, 2013 - 6:49am

suggettsmiss wrote:

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a having a small penis need not be an obstacle to good sex. She may be right but I still wish she didn't have one.

Posted: Mar 23, 2013 - 6:41am

Posted: Mar 23, 2013 - 6:37am

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a having a small penis need not be an obstacle to good sex. She may be right but I still wish she didn't have one.

Posted: Mar 21, 2013 - 6:41pm

Manbird wrote:

and then what happened?

He had lots of kids.

Lots.

Posted: Mar 21, 2013 - 6:13pm

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

Posted: Mar 21, 2013 - 6:06pm

fuzzy wrote:

A Scotsman moves to Boston and attends his first Red Sox game. The first Red Sox batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run". The next batter hits a single. The Scot listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN, RUN". The Scot is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RUN!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run — he's got four balls." The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

and then what happened?