27 November 2008

It's Thanksgiving Day.  Got lot's to be thankful for obviously.  A third of the way done now.  The support system took a direct hit, but seems to be recovering pretty well under the circumstances.  Took a 4 x 4 to fix it, 2 x 4 just weren't big enough this time.  New emotions in play now, anger and fear.  What took so long?  Well its externally affixed not from within.  And have I mentioned that I'm quitting smoking right handers?  Wasn't it the Monsanto tribe that swore "better living through chemistry" or was it the DuPont tribe from Delaware, I just can't seem to remember, but I know it's a good thing cause I heard it all my life.  Hey, Buddy, can you spare a Chantix?  Then there is the kinetic energy infused by the wife's car crash.    

Let me see, did I get those 5 W's of Journalism 101 in?  Not sure anymore, cause I haven't seem much of it at the professional level lately.  But I'm just chopped liver in the big picture anyway, bat rastids.  So I thought I was done with profundities in this winding road thing, silly me.  Anger and Fear, yep but it ain't mine, it originates from within the family and for the first time, I became angry when my sister, who again was the only person to ignore the rules about clearing everything including phone calls with Patty, proceeded to tell me that I am not taking my cancer seriously and that I am scared to death in denial, because she hears the Fear in my voice, which is actually the anger welling up from being told I am clueless in my approach and decision making process.  It gets better when the parents join sister in planning my funeral instead of the party I was planning when I get to the other side of this shit.  Said sister gets mad, lies about incident and emails me/Patty that I am in denial, She has no brother and does not wish to speak to me again until this is over, meaning when they lower me into the ground or something morbid like that.  Ding, fries are done, tossed under the bus by my own sister.  Up until then, I was kinda putting along having a great time enduring the treatment and counting the drips and the days to completion.  Its "hook up the Juice, Bruce!", lets TCB, nothing more and nothing less, just the facts, with the profound belief in the actions being taken.

Yes, I am quite aware of the 5 steps of grieving or whatever the process the cancer survivor goes through.  Anger and fear are two of the 5 in both scenarios.  I had been quietly wondering just when they would rear their predictable heads in all this.  Who The Fuck knew that it comes from without?  Silly me had been looking for it from within.  As is known about me, I try to live my life transparently and openly, yet the Family evidently has issues with their own mortality and personal belief systems and takes it upon themselves to filter "news" and play things close to the vest.  Well don't project your insecurities on me and say that I am the one in denial.  I've had a great life so far and I am definitely looking to make it as long a one as possible, but on the other hand, it has been a great life and the biggest wish in my life was granted already, which was finding Patty again after all these years, so ya know, I am at peace with myself, and everything from this point is gravy.  Segue to turkey and thanks.

I really would rather sit this one out and avoid hearing the mention of my sister (who lives faraway in Dallas, far enough away from the nurses that watch over me that would fight for the chance to push her down an open elevator shaft) and make the choice between "check please" and telling everyone to shove their doom and gloom outlook right up to where the sun don't shine, ever!  Cause, 99% percent of everyone from my Doctors, Nurses, Friends and Fellow Survivors have told me that I have one of the best attitudes and approaches they have ever witnessed, don't let em get to you.  I will disown my family if they become toxic to my survival.  They have the blues, not me.

So back to the freeway, which is already in progress.  If you lived here, you would be home already.  How can I be two places at once when I am not anywhere at all?  And just why does the rest of the world get their undies in a bunch when Bill decides to play Alice's Restaurant twice in the same day?  Get a grip, it has meaning, evermore than the year before.  At least to some of us.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone and looking forward to many more!!!

 Y'all