A month's worth of thoughts and ramblings from the space between my ears.

26 June 2010

Now what ?

I've kept Chemosabe on the shelf for a while now and it's seems to be something that should be done, but on the other hand, I should never forget what has been a life altering experience.  Not that I can, but some things assume their own identity and a life of their own.

I found great use of the metaphor that dealing with cancer is the ultimate rolly coaster ride in an effort to share and explain the emotions and challenges involved.  Now, it's like the ride is shut down for the winter, the park is closed and the snow just swirls around in the empty spaces waiting for the summer.  Tis now the betwixt and between.

The lines from the Peggy Lee song, Is That All There Is ?, rattle around in my head:

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

The fight to live isn't over, just the intensity and insanity part of getting through the battle.  I can't go back to what I was before and I'm not trying.  I'm just trying to make the adjustment to what is and find a way to live with it. 

Perhaps the greatest challenge to deal with now is the fact that I am now dependent on things that are beyond my control and no longer can do many things that I would like to do.  I also know that I am not the only one who has to face this challenge.  This is not unlike the problems faced by those with advancing age at the end of their lives.  Perhaps my feelings are amplified by the fact that these are the most uncertain times I have ever witnessed in my life. 

4 July 2010

Meowie's brother's passing brought me back to this dangling thought.   The posting by one of John's students was most delicious.

one of his turkish students posted this to his FB page this morning:

I want to say rest in peace, but I know, you will not.Whereever you are, there are things to be done. Did they welcome you well? Was Martin Luther King in the welcoming ceremony? Were you able to question all the issues we have discussed together? Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam was the very last Turkish movie you were interested.... I do not who was the person who saved the world and how he made it, but I know and will always remember how you shaped my thoughts and bring my activist soul out. I am walking on a path which is full of humanitarian roses now. I will never forget that you were one of the influential people who sow the very first seeds into my road...If they ask about your good deeds you have done in here, tell them to have a seat, it will take long...Life is full of unsaid words. Unsaid but unforgettable...I am so grateful for your being, your being yourself. I will always remember you, with all of your colours.

This is an expression of the Butterfly Effect.  How interactions with people in random passing (or is it random?) cause or initiate other actions far into the future.  No life is in vain, there will always be some meaning to it, just most times we never know where it takes other people. 

Death is the easy part; living is where the challenges lie.  So as I get back to the now what part of this thing.  The answer is different for everyone and dependent on age and health as well. 

Anticipation, expectations and acceptance.  Every morning, one is faced with the question, what do I want to do with the rest of my life ?  Some acknowledge, some don't, they are numbed out and just go through the motions, some are simply unaware of the question in the first place (as in a young child or the state of innocence), and some just plain don't care and ignore it.  And the answer can be different every morning.  Depends on if wants trumps needs and vice versa.

And then comes the dilemma of only being able to exist or do more than just get by, based on wealth and resources and the lack of one or the other or both.

Gotta take a break.

26 July 2010

That was a long enough of a break.  Lots o wonderful stuff since then.  A meet up at Beanie's with old friends and some new.  Came to grips with my cataracts, having surgery for one on this coming Friday.  Received a most wonderful gift from my departed chemo nurse Carinne's mother.   She is paying for our trip back home so we can go to our 40^th HS reunion back in the OC !  Totally out of the blue, totally most wonderful.  I had just about given up on that happening and was getting really depressed over the prospect of not going.

I've never been to one, cause circumstances and moods and whatever just never came together.  But this time, well it's a little different.  I've got nothing to brag about or show off, just want to see these people again from this most crazy cohort.  Might be my last chance to see most of these people.  Plus it's a chance to get out of Dodge and see our grandson, visit with my Uncle, who is putting us up for the duration and visit some So Cal RPeeps.  And most importantly, be able to soak myself in the Ocean. 

Once again the rolly coaster is running; it's climbing up the hill.  The emotions will once again run the gamut.  I still want to move back home, to be back to the Ocean, but that is basically a financial and medical impossibility.  Got one more year of chemo to go through.  Couple that with both my parents are 83 and my Dad just finished up 8 weeks of daily radiation for prostate cancer.  My battle with cancer ended up helping my Dad face his.  He saw how I just sucked it up and did it without much worry or much whining.  He adopted the same approach and just did it.  Now we wait and see how the radiation worked and take it from there.  It's inoperable due to age and a multitude of other factors.  It will probably take him out, and knowing that it will be a painful finish really sucks.

Once again, the dilemma of taking care of my wants versus the needs of another.  To up and leave them at this stage of their life would be selfish, but on the other hand, who do we live for ?    This question has been tormenting me for years.  We stay and they live for another 10 years and I give up my own dreams, or we move chasing dreams and they become depressed from being abandoned and die prematurely from their feeling of abandonment.  There is no compromise, 2,500 miles is much different than 1 mile.  To make it more impossible, for the first time, my Mom told P the other day that she is so glad to have us so near. 

I have read about other RPeeps here and the similar situations they face with their parents and how they have forsaken themselves and their lives to move closer to their parents and take care of them in their time of need and it makes me feel selfish for even entertaining the thought of leaving during their time of need.  And then what happens if a classmate offers me a gig back home ?  The chances of that are remote, but what if ? 

I've always said better a tough choice than no choice.  The choice is not on the table, but the dream of a choice / chance is still strong and recurring.  At least I still have dreams about the future, not wanting to accept was is.  And back to the beginning.  Is that all there is, now what ?  I still want more than one day at a time, but sometimes, that's all we have, cause that's all we can handle. 

My how things can change in a hurry.