. Next week promises to be busy, as I have at least one appointment per day.  Following that, I am going to quit smoking 5/20. This is something I have tried and failed at so many times. But the need here is pressing. I have COPD, and continuing to smoke will have a further debilitating effect on my range of movement. Unfortunately, the knowledge of what's necessary has precipitated an emotional crisis.

The truth is, I spend most of my day either lying on the couch and reading or fantasizing, or, messing around on the computer. Further, rather than assessing my condition, and trying to deal with it, I find it so depressing I actively work to deny reality, which, of course, isn't so hard for a schizophrenic. I will have to replace smoking with something. The root of my distress is a combination of disconnection, and lack of short term purpose. I hardly have any friends, almost no one that I can even call. Necessarily, coming out of a pseudo-world, I have to do something to address the loneliness. Then, there is the question of purpose. I am at a stage of life where the exercise of my love could be a driving force, if I had some place to take it. It looks like there are some potential outlets. At the suggestion of my ex-wife, I volunteered at the local Humane Society today, just having to go to an orientation before I can walk, pet, and groom the animals. Also, once I get the smell of smoke off me, I plan to volunteer with the Foster Grandparent's Program. So I do have, at least, some rudimentary forms of a plan.

When I quit, I know from previous experience, the major battle won't be physiological, it will be psychological. I don't know if this is unique to me, or a general function of mental illness, or whether everyone goes through some form of this, but in my case, the part of me that's an addict, will (and already has) attacked me with my demons. The addict will do everything it can to suborn me. On top of the physical cravings, I will have repeated thoughts of worthlessness, futility, and (he) will make the yeoman's effort to undercut, belittle and mock my plans. Worst of all, I will be inundated with feelings of hopelessness.I've always lost this battle because I haven't been able to fight through the waves of suicidal thinking. I've always given in and smoked again.

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill. I understand the addict is not omnipotent (at least at the moment, that's my thinking.) But I can't underestimate an opponent that's beaten me so many times. The war has already started. I got whipped so badly yesterday I had to call my ex and BHD for support. But I did fight back today. There are going to be some moments where my will wavers, both in this pre-phase and during the actual battle. I'm hoping some of you will offer me some encouragement. I want to save enough money from quitting to see my new (coming) grandbaby in January.

Thanks for reading...