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It's my birthday   

Posted by triskele - Apr 28, 2015 - 2:56pm
(crossposted from my blog)

4 months have passed since I got the most devastating news of my life.


4 months...filled with anxiety, feelings of deep terror, of hopelessness, of despair.  Trying to decide how I feel about dying.  How I feel about leaving everyone and everything in a way that I have not done before.

4 months...filled with hope, feelings of immeasurable gratitude, of inspiration, of determination. Trying to decide how I feel about living. How I feel about being here, now, and for many years to come, yet changed forever.

The back and forth has been like breathing. 

Or both sides of one coin, spinning high through the air.

Right now, the chances of the coin landing LIFE SIDE UP are better and better every day.

I look at myself in the mirror.

I am as hairless and flat chested as a pre-pubescent girl. 

There are gashes across my chest, and dark bruises where my lovely breasts used to be.  It hurts to move my body. But I am a dancer, so I move. 

Sometimes, it hurts just to breathe.  But I breathe all the deeper for it.

I do my exercises, and I do my stretches, and I keep working toward being able to open my arms wide.

Wide enough to welcome all that is to come. No matter what it is.

I am waiting for the grief over the loss of my breasts, but right now, the most important thing is healing from the physical shock of having surgery, so the grief will come in its own time. 

I don't need to force it, or to rush it.

And today, it's my birthday.

Time to celebrate, to be here now, and be happy....and to begin again.

There is a light,  As from many candles..... that is coming from all over the world as people pray for me, hope for me, dance for me, burn candles for me, sing chants for me....and love me.

That light is strong, and it keeps me focused on the path ahead.  That light celebrates me, and celebrates my life.   I visualize myself taking it all in, and growing ever stronger by it's power.

To everyone out there, I say thank you.  Little words that are inadequate to the task...but they're all I have.

Here's to the coin landing LIFE SIDE UP....
20 comments on this journal entry.    [ add yours ]
triskele

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Location: The Dragons' Roost


Posted: May 9, 2015 - 6:23am

 good point, Serious.... 
SeriousLee

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Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: May 9, 2015 - 5:59am

Wow.

I tell you now that life is on both sides of that coin.

Be blessed.
miamizsun

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Location: (3261.3 Miles SE of RP)


Posted: May 7, 2015 - 7:17am

{#Hug}
triskele

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Location: The Dragons' Roost


Posted: May 6, 2015 - 8:49am

Thanks, y'allz!
kmh

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Location: NY


Posted: May 3, 2015 - 1:16pm

Happy Birthday! ...a lovely post.....♥
geoff_morphini
Soft on the inside
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Posted: May 1, 2015 - 11:45am

I'm glad you are still with us circling the sun! {#Cheers}
p4jkafla
Resident oddball
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Location: New England, USA


Posted: May 1, 2015 - 11:34am

Happy happy birthday!
Lazy8
human
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Location: The Gallatin Valley of Montana


Posted: Apr 30, 2015 - 10:00pm

Save me a dance.
ScottN
We're all riders on this train
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Location: Half inch above the K/T boundary


Posted: Apr 30, 2015 - 10:50am

Wonderful.  {#Cheers}.  Indeed, I'm with Steely...Long May You Run!
meower

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Location: i believe, i believe, it's silly, but I believe


Posted: Apr 30, 2015 - 4:33am


kurtster

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Location: drifting


Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 6:58pm

{#Cheers}   {#War}
Steely_D
Angular banjoes sound good to me.
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Location: Biscayne Bay, where the Cuban gentlemen


Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 3:43pm

long may you run
bokey
I haven’t seen the Democrats this mad since we freed the slaves
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Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 2:48pm

{#Meditate}
sirdroseph
Endeavor to Perservere
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Location: Yes


Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 2:04am

{#War}
ScottFromWyoming
I eat pints
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Location: Powell


Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 6:05pm

Power and strength in that blog.
Alexandra
Living with passion
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Location: PNW


Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 5:54pm

That has to be one of the most beautiful and inspirational things I've ever read. Thank you, P.
 
Happy Birthday!    
MsJudi
She knew it was time to exceed herself.
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Location: Houston, TX


Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 5:50pm

{#Hug}
Antigone

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Location: A house, in a Virginian Valley


Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 4:34pm

{#Cheers} {#Heartkiss}
Coaxial
Shine On.
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Location: 543 miles west of Paradis,1491 miles east of Paradise


Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 4:26pm

{#Meditate}{#Good-vibes}{#Cheers}
BlueHeronDruid

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Location: planting flowers


Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 3:49pm