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Barenaked Ladies — If I Had a Million Dollars
Album: Gordon
Avg rating:
5.7

Your rating:
Total ratings: 1772









Released: 1992
Length: 4:21
Plays (last 30 days): 0
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a house (I would buy you a house)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a K-Car (a nice Reliant automobile)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love.

If I Had $1000000
I'd build a tree fort in our yard.
If I Had $1000000
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard.
If I Had $1000000
Maybe we could put put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere
([Talking:] We could just go up there and hang out.
Like open the fridge and stuff, and there'd be foods laid out for us
With little pre-wrapped sausages and things. Mmmmm.
They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon.
Well can you blame them. Yeah)

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur coat that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you an exotic pet (Like a llama or an emu)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you John Merrick's remains (All them crazy elephant bones)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had $1000000
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I Had $1000000
We'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I Had $1000000
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner.
(But we would eat Kraft Dinner. Of course we would, we'd just eat more.
And buy really expensive ketchup with it.
That's right, all the fanciest Dijon Ketchup. Mmmmmm.)

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you some art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had $1000000, If I Had $1000000
If I Had $1000000, If I Had $1000000
I'd be rich.
Comments (251)add comment
Well if they had a million dollars it sure as hell didn’t come from this song…but if I gave you a million just promise to NEVER play this song again. With ❤️ 
 joejennings wrote:

This tune is excellent, but it was overplayed when it came out. It is better NOW in FLAC w/ great studio phones, amp & DAC!  Thanx RP!   


I still like the version on their original cassette tape better. They re-recorded it for Gordon and the production is way too slick for the silliness of the song. Not that I have a way to listen to a cassette tape anymore…
How about: “I’d buy you some art, like a Picasso or a Garfunkel.”  
That one concert in Dallas when BNL came out while the opening band (Odds) were doing their set and danced behind them.

And yes, they were all NAKED!

And who remembers a "K" car?
 Gerry941 wrote:
Bloody awful! Ban it Bill


Are you replying to your own comments, effectively bumping them? It's the second time today that I see it. Seriously, WTF?
 meatmike wrote:

Barenaked Ladies write the most unpretentious lyrics in the world.
They're like, "this is what I want to say and I'm gonna say it along to this cool music."




disagree - this song is VERY pretentious. this cute little song sounds like kindergarten stuff. . . suckobarfo
I was really lucky to get a couple of tickets, on the night, to see them at a sold out King Tut's in Glasgow in the 90s. Had never heard them, just liked a gig review I had previously read. One-of-the-best-gigs-ever! They made me so happy for taking a chance in going along. Brilliant musicians and entertainers. Brilliant song!
 ProfessionalGeek wrote:

Great song for learning a little bit of Canadian vocabulary:
Chesterfield: a sofa
Kraft Dinner: macaroni & cheese

And Canadian pronunciation:
Llama - rhymes with Alabama
Picasso - rhymes with lasso



Love it, but Chesterfield and Kraft dinner are NOT exclusively Canadian!
I worked concert security in NY 20 plus years ago at the beach and BNL came through for two nights in a row, and I can say each night was totally different set, different banter different stories, they were tight in there playing and they were funny as well.  Say what you want, they were fun and they were good.  
It has it's place. I'm not one to constrain others' musical tastes.
This tune is excellent, but it was overplayed when it came out. It is better NOW in FLAC w/ great studio phones, amp & DAC!  Thanx RP!   
 mralimccarley wrote:

Oh dear.




This comment is too funny!
This entire album is glorious. 
I don't like this group because there are no barenaked ladies anywhere that I can see.  That's false advertising.
I can’t believe how low this song is rated. Come on, people! Sure, it’s not Hendrix, but it’s cheerful and funny and sweet. And it’s Canadian!
Have to give it a 10  for making me smile and making me think of my wonderful big brother who introduced me to this song all those years ago...oh, and for mentioning a monkey 
Oh dear.
It's aged much better than I would have ever thought. Pretty good harmonies and a relaxed nostalgic feel. Here's a 6 from a Canadian who would have given it a 1 when it first came out.
What’s not to like? A real classic.
Whenever I hear this song I have to stop what I am doing to sing all the lyrics. 

Also, as Bill says, PLEASE help support RP! I've been contributing on a quarterly basis for years and feel very good about supporting my favorite radio station. 
The Canadian National anthem. This song nearly sinks with it’s heavy irony, but it is utterly charming and whimsical.
If I had a million dollars, I teach listeners on here how to have sense of humor.
Hilarious segue from Three Little Birds.
Since our Canadian dollars are worth significantly less than U.S. dollars, the amount the BNL are singing about is way less than a million dollars. So you Americans should simply imagine them singing "If I had  $794,079.30..." 
The vinyl version is the best version of this because you can wire-brush it.
Cringe.
 TerryS wrote:

Or a house, where I live 2million is starters. Yes, folks, I do what's called renting.
 
I hear you, and I don't disagree, and I live there too. 
And this was 1989? ish? 
Maybe useful perspective. 
Listen.
The voices.
So good.
 Hippostar wrote:
Seems like a million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to. Unlikely you could buy a Picasso for 1 million.
 
Or a house, where I live 2million is starters. Yes, folks, I do what's called renting.
Silly indeed but worthy just for that reason. 
 Gerry941 wrote:
Bloody awful! Ban it Bill

 

 tokenrhymer wrote:

drove me crazy the very first time I heard it 3 decades ago, and every time since. every part of it is epically annoying. harmony on "buy your love" only redeeming thing. I could go on...
 

I can eat 50 eggs.
 Proclivities wrote:

"Starting to get old"?  It is almost thirty years old, but it doesn't seem to be in heavy rotation - 2 plays in the last 30 days.
 
drove me crazy the very first time I heard it 3 decades ago, and every time since. every part of it is epically annoying. harmony on "buy your love" only redeeming thing. I could go on...
I love the band (even though I'm Canadian); but have to say this song gets a lot of play on the mainstream. The rest of this album is much more mature, and I'd go so far to say, a classic.
 dmcanany wrote:
Curious. Why do I find this so delightful and Phish so aggravating? I have no explanation, but it's such a wide disparity for me. 
 
Funny, I have the exact opposite reaction.   Phish at their best are phenomenal.  But at their worst are amateurish and annoying, like this song 
 Grammarcop wrote:
But not a real green dress — that's cruel.
 

https://images.app.goo.gl/TTna... ! though I suspect the lyric was just a bit of fun
Singing along. Always a good thing. 
Curious. Why do I find this so delightful and Phish so aggravating? I have no explanation, but it's such a wide disparity for me. 
They can do a decent job of harmonizing.
 ProfessionalGeek wrote:
Great song for learning a little bit of Canadian vocabulary:
Chesterfield: a sofa
Kraft Dinner: macaroni & cheese

And Canadian pronunciation:
Llama - rhymes with Alabama
Picasso - rhymes with lasso
 
ooot: out
 njswede wrote:
Kind of cute the first couple of times, but now it's starting to get pretty old. Maybe reduce the rotation of this one a bit?
 
"Starting to get old"?  It is almost thirty years old, but it doesn't seem to be in heavy rotation - 2 plays in the last 30 days.
I like it. Silly is good sometimes.

Thanks Bill & Co.
Seems like a million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to. Unlikely you could buy a Picasso for 1 million.
The only complaint I have is that I'd prefer to hear the more modern live/American remake.  
 mdnlsn wrote:
As a Canadian, I consider this song a national embarrassment. Can’t believe I’m hearing it on RP.
 

As another Canadian, I'm fine with hearing it here.  I've heard it 1000's of times, it seems, and Gordon is one of my most played BNL albums, so maybe I'm a bit tired of it, but there's nothing embarrassing about it.
I totally get why this has a low rating.  It's too obvious to even go there.  But it's sweet and funny and and has nice harmonies.  I'm glad it gets airplay every so often.
As a Canadian, I consider this song a national embarrassment. Can’t believe I’m hearing it on RP.
F’ing annoying. Please stop....
Nice, once.
Then... {#Stop}
Kind of cute the first couple of times, but now it's starting to get pretty old. Maybe reduce the rotation of this one a bit?
 The_Enemy wrote:

During their heyday, the Hip were awesomeness live.

The first time I saw them was at a tiny pub* in Kingston. Gord was crazy on stage and the band was overly fantastic. In between sets, Gord changed clothes because he'd be drenched in sweat by the end of a set.

You just knew watching them that they deserved to make it to Rolling Stones level fame. That's not how it turned out, of course, but I don't begrudge them any of their fame.

(*this has nothing to do with the Hip but I remember a fellow student I didn't know had passed out at the table next to us and his friends had left him there. He was back in his chair with his face towards the ceiling. On impulse, I put a cheese ball on his lips. Over the course of the evening, strangers would come over and balance a new item on his face... an ash tray, coasters, salt shaker, etc. There was 4-5 inches of stuff balancing on his face at the end of the evening :)  ) 
 

LOL.  Hope that wasn't me!

And Live they were a blast! Not a Platinum fan but I am  musically astute enough to know they are a Canadian treasure and that The BNL are on the other end of the spectrum.
Only the 3rd time ever I have hit fwd. 
Don't forget - that's 1992 dollars. In 2020 one million dollars will only buy you 1/500 of a failed presidential candidate.
 BCarn wrote:

You mean the Tragically Boring. Extremely over rated by the public up here in the north.
Sad for Gord, but really, they were nothing special.
 
During their heyday, the Hip were awesomeness live.

The first time I saw them was at a tiny pub* in Kingston. Gord was crazy on stage and the band was overly fantastic. In between sets, Gord changed clothes because he'd be drenched in sweat by the end of a set.

You just knew watching them that they deserved to make it to Rolling Stones level fame. That's not how it turned out, of course, but I don't begrudge them any of their fame.

(*this has nothing to do with the Hip but I remember a fellow student I didn't know had passed out at the table next to us and his friends had left him there. He was back in his chair with his face towards the ceiling. On impulse, I put a cheese ball on his lips. Over the course of the evening, strangers would come over and balance a new item on his face... an ash tray, coasters, salt shaker, etc. There was 4-5 inches of stuff balancing on his face at the end of the evening :)  ) 
 ace-marc wrote:


A bit harsh but these guys are considered a bit of a joke up here in Canada.
Weird how Americans embraced them and not The Hip.
 
You mean the Tragically Boring. Extremely over rated by the public up here in the north.
Sad for Gord, but really, they were nothing special.


BCarn wrote:
Why so many haters? Pher phuck sake people, lighten up.


 ace-marc wrote:

No, it is well deserved.
 
No. It's not actually.
tilts me hard while playing online poker {#Stop}
In my mid/late 20's, all the local radio stations played the live version of this song - which I like more than the original, due to the audience participation.
 dwhayslett wrote:

Out of curiosity, what's your second-worst song ever?
 

bbbeny & the Jets
 ace-marc wrote:

Actually I embraced the BNL. Just listen to their cover of "Lovers in a ...Time."

They are no joke.   I will take Rock over Rap any day.


A bit harsh but these guys are considered a bit of a joke up here in Canada.
Weird how Americans embraced them and not The Hip.
 

The Bare Naked Ladies  were 110% talent.   This might be the most fun song they ever wrote with the possible exception of their incrediblr tribute to Brian Wison.

Amazing what can come from an indepedent cassette with 5 tracks.

 BCarn wrote:
Why so many haters? Pher phuck sake people, lighten up.
 
No, it is well deserved.
 gbarker wrote:
Really. The worst song ever. My god!
 

A bit harsh but these guys are considered a bit of a joke up here in Canada.
Weird how Americans embraced them and not The Hip.
If I had a million dollars I could make a down payment on a condo in Vancouver. 
Barenaked Ladies write the most unpretentious lyrics in the world.
They're like, "this is what I want to say and I'm gonna say it along to this cool music."
Great song for learning a little bit of Canadian vocabulary:
Chesterfield: a sofa
Kraft Dinner: macaroni & cheese

And Canadian pronunciation:
Llama - rhymes with Alabama
Picasso - rhymes with lasso
 aaronm wrote:
Not gonna lie — I think the lot of you who don't like this are a bunch of killjoys. {#Wink}
 

 dwhayslett wrote:

Out of curiosity, what's your second-worst song ever?
 
Terry Jacks' 'Seasons In The Sun'. Duh.

(I kind of like this silly tune.)
c.
I glanced up and read this as 'If I Had a Million Barenaked Ladies'
Only a madman would play this after Bob Marley's Three Little Birds.  Well done, Mad Bill.  
Silly lyrics, but skilled instrumentals
 gbarker wrote:
Really. The worst song ever. My god!
 
Out of curiosity, what's your second-worst song ever?
Really. The worst song ever. My god!
these guys are extremely talented, not saying that just because I am Canadian, they are. This was an earlyish one, their one album later on, such as Everything to Everyone,  which is quite mature, poignant and fantastic in its themes, emotion, realness, rawness and execution. They went to school with people I've run into over my lifetime too, living and working in the GTA, and they often did surprise impromptu performances at the AGO in Toronto years ago.
I love these guys.
hard not to sing along 
Why so many haters? Pher phuck sake people, lighten up.
If I had a million dollars I'd build Seadoos for Ants... (NSFW language in link)
 mandolin wrote:
...they do so too have prewrapped bacon, now!.. https://www.amazon.com/Omaha-Steaks-Pre-cooked-Bacon-Slices/dp/B0000DJ7VQ
 
I like my bacon Barenaked
My fun-bumps are NEVER inverted when I hear this. In fact, they're very happy fun-bumps right now, dancing like no-one can see them
"I'd buy you a K-Car (a nice Reliant automobile)"

We did. A Reliant no less. You're welcome UAW, Chrysler, Lee Iacocca, Statue of Liberty renovation, and the USA as a whole. 

1990s nostalgia is a real thing.
Awesome funny song for a rainy morning.  {#Roflol}
I fondly remember driving thru Stanley park in Vancouver  with my sister, a friend and Drew Barrymore, blasting this song and the four of us singing at the top of our lungs.  Good times!
 aaronm wrote:
Not gonna lie — I think the lot of you who don't like this are a bunch of killjoys. {#Wink}

"If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000) 
I'd buy you a K-Car (a nice Reliant automobile) " 

I wonder how many of those killjoys didn't buy one of those to help Chrysler/the economy/save domestic jobs and ultimately produce the char for saving the Statue of Liberty!!! BTW, we bought one.

Just good clean fun!!!
Not gonna lie — I think the lot of you who don't like this are a bunch of killjoys. {#Wink}
 xtalman wrote:

Yea, that would kill any song.

This song is ok, luckily I have not heard repeatedly over the years. 

 
The song also opened itself to lots of improv when they did it live, so it was always new and fun. When you've heard the album version's Kraft Dinner jokes for the 100th time it gets a bit tired. But it's still a fun song and, yeah, house prices in Toronto have gotten nuts.
 pousso wrote:
The average price for a detached home in Toronto is now 1 million dollars.   So, no furniture, a car, or anything else.  Just a house.  {#Undecided}

 
The finances would probably work in Saskatoon.
The average price for a detached home in Toronto is now 1 million dollars.   So, no furniture, a car, or anything else.  Just a house.  {#Undecided}
 tg3k wrote:
I used to think this song was OK...not great but clever and entertaining. Then I played on a pool league team with a girl who absolutely loved it, and played it at least once every time the team played, and sang along, out of tune, and the top of her lungs. That pretty much ruined it for me.

 
Yea, that would kill any song.

This song is ok, luckily I have not heard repeatedly over the years. 
But not a real green dress — that's cruel.
This has a bit of a cult following in Canada Eh !!
 
I like this song more every time I hear it.
 stevesancarlos wrote:
It's no wonder they don't have a million dollars. Right up there with Hootie and the Blowfish.

 
Hah! Exactly. Rank amateurs the both of em
 ottovonb wrote:
If I had a million dollars I'd pay Bare Naked Ladies half of it to cease and desist.

 
LOL. Thank you for this.
It's no wonder they don't have a million dollars. Right up there with Hootie and the Blowfish.
I get why people don't like this. I enjoy it for sentimental reasons. 
Oh, I'd love to know the story behind this one.

WonderLizard wrote:
Dear Jess,

Your wedding this past Saturday was the most glorious event. And you were the most beautiful bride ever. And if there's any doubt whatsoever, BNL is the best band ever.

Love,

Uncle W. 

 

Just kill me —- was this on some Children's album? Is this Raffe? No Raffe rules. This sucks.
If I had a million dollars I'd pay Bare Naked Ladies half of it to cease and desist.
Dear Jess,

Your wedding this past Saturday was the most glorious event. And you were the most beautiful bride ever. And if there's any doubt whatsoever, BNL is the best band ever.

Love,

Uncle W. 
corny
{#Eyes}{#Rolleyes}
 tg3k wrote:
I used to think this song was OK...not great but clever and entertaining. Then I played on a pool league team with a girl who absolutely loved it, and played it at least once every time the team played, and sang along, out of tune, and the top of her lungs. That pretty much ruined it for me.
 
but that could make it for me.  just knowing someone loves a song so much makes me smile.  {#Angel}
I used to think this song was OK...not great but clever and entertaining. Then I played on a pool league team with a girl who absolutely loved it, and played it at least once every time the team played, and sang along, out of tune, and the top of her lungs. That pretty much ruined it for me.
candid
We managed to ship these guys south, and they keep trying to creep back in. Remember, playing them only encourages Steve's coke habit.


 
lmic wrote:
Acceptable only as a children's song.

 

And we all need to let our inner child out................

{#Dancingbanana_2}
 Ntropy wrote:
It's been ages since I heard the album version of this... ahh, great memories. And to all you complainers.. NYAH!{#Tongue}
 
Agreed. This is a FUN song!

It's been ages since I heard the album version of this... ahh, great memories. And to all you complainers.. NYAH!{#Tongue}
Great song for the dreamers and kids among us.  Count me in!
please remove this song from the playlist {#Arghhh}

Whimsy can be fun, but this is a solid 1.

The only thing it inspires in me is a desire to think of new ways to express the word lame.


 lmic wrote:
Acceptable only as a children's song.

 
Perfect, you are 100% right.

if I had a million dollars I would ban this song and this horrible band.
 Krispian wrote:
Rarely does a song force me to change stations away from my beloved RP. This is one of them.
 
Yeah it's a race to the controls.
Acceptable only as a children's song.

 Krispian wrote:
Rarely does a song force me to change stations away from my beloved RP. This is one of them.
 
I'm right with you on that one.  Must be a Canadian thing...

I think this may be my most hated song of all time.


Rarely does a song force me to change stations away from my beloved RP. This is one of them.